:desire to cause pain, injury, or distress to another
an attack motivated by pure malice
Dear Nameless Adversary,
I hope this letter finds you well, or at least, on the path to wellness. You see, it’s come to my attention that your actions, driven by spite and malice, have caused me a great deal of pain and collateral damage. While it’s tempting to respond in kind, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the state of your heart and the lack of emotional intelligence that led you to such low-value deeds.
It’s truly remarkable, the lengths to which some individuals will go when insecurity and immaturity reign supreme. In your quest to hurt me, you’ve managed to hurt yourself even more. A wise person once said, “Spitefulness comes before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18), and it’s clear that you’ve stumbled.
But here’s the thing: I can’t help but feel a sense of pity and compassion for someone so broken, so drowning in their own pain and bitterness, that they resort to harming others to momentarily alleviate their own suffering. The damage you’ve inflicted not only reached me but extended to innocent bystanders, including my children as well as your own. It’s a sad reality that your actions have left a mark on the lives of those who deserve nothing but happiness and love.
As I reflect on your actions, I wonder, does it make you feel better? Does it bring you any genuine satisfaction to see others in pain? Why do you think it’s okay to engage in such hateful behavior? Have you ever considered how it would feel if the tables were turned? What if the roles were reversed, and you were the target of spite and malice?
In times like these, it’s important to remember the analogy of the eagle versus the crow or chicken. Eagles soar high in the sky, majestic and unwavering, focused on the beauty and vastness of life, not wasting their time on pettiness and foolishness. Crows and chickens, on the other hand, remain earthbound, squabbling over scraps and spreading negativity and gossip. I choose to be the eagle, to rise above your negativity and not engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
So, I forgive you, not because your actions were excusable, but because I refuse to carry the weight of your malice any longer. Forgiveness is the path to healing and inner peace. I sincerely hope that you find a way to heal, to rise above your own pain, and to have a better day, week, and year.
As I close this letter, I leave you with these questions: Is it truly worth it? Is it worth sacrificing your own happiness and integrity to bring misery to others? Perhaps it’s time to reflect on your choices and consider a different path. Life is too short to be consumed by spite and malice.
Best wishes on your journey, fellow human. May you find healing and inner peace to release your burdens and discover true happiness so you can stop spitting venom at those around you. I will maintain a respectful distance from you, prioritizing my own well-being and peace of mind.
Please understand that my kindness does not imply weakness, simply intelligence.
Wishing you a brighter and more enlightened future,
In the intricate tapestry of life, we often encounter individuals whose actions and intentions leave us perplexed and wounded. It’s a testament to the complexity of human nature that some may choose to inflict pain and malice upon others.
As we navigate this labyrinth of emotions and relationships, it becomes crucial to reflect upon the power of empathy and resilience, even in the face of adversity.
In this contemplative journey, we’ll explore the dynamics of dealing with those who have caused us harm, finding the delicate balance between self-preservation and fostering inner peace, while offering respect and kindness as armor against negativity.
I wrote this blog and letter not only for myself to all the people who have deliberately hurt me, I also wrote it as a voice for my clients and followers who wish to say these things to their exes or others who hurt them too.
My personal experience with malicious people.
Through the tumultuous journey of my life, I’ve unfortunately encountered more than my fair share of malicious individuals who sought to harm me in various ways.
· I’ve endured the heartache of being lied to and gossiped about, my name tarnished by rumors and innuendo by “friends”, in-laws, and so-called family.
· I’ve felt the sting of betrayal as I discovered I’d been cheated on, a breach of trust that left me stumbling.
· Coercion found its way into my life through legal contracts that offered me no benefits but were cunningly presented as advantageous. Their language was so shady and underhanded that it eluded detection even by my attorney, who didn’t uncover their true nature until years later.
· Even in my most personal realm, a sociopath once blackmailed me with semi-nude photos, attempting to use my own maternal instincts as leverage. An ironic twist that left me questioning the depths to which some would stoop.
· In the digital age, I found myself subjected to harassment, orchestrated by an insecure, immature, and bored individual, through fake photos and fabricated screenshots, all in a malicious attempt to sever the bonds between my partner and me.
· A family member, displaying an entitled and ungrateful attitude, took advantage of my generosity, leaving me owed a substantial sum of money that remains unacknowledged and unpaid to this day.
· And, as if these trials were not enough, an ex-family member, filled with rage and jealousy, chose to spread gossip and hatred about me and my children, concealed behind their sanctimonious façade. An act so venomous that it led to legal action being taken against them.
· To top it off with a cherry, two of the most abominable acts of malice perpetrated against me involved a woman who was secretly involved with my partner at the time, cultivating friendships with my close family members while pretending to be trustworthy.
However, her true intentions were anything but, as she insidiously aimed to sabotage and dismantle my life—a goal she relentlessly pursued for years. And the most disgusting part of all…my ex-partner knew it was happening and didn’t stop it.
These experiences have taught me valuable lessons about resilience, the power of empathy, and the importance of choosing the path of inner peace in the face of malice.
The side effects of being malicious.
The personal repercussions of embracing a mean-spirited and negative demeanor can be profound, impacting one’s mental, spiritual, and physical well-being in substantial ways.
On a mental level, the perpetual negativity gives birth to a toxic mindset, creating a never-ending cycle of anger and resentment. It’s a heavy burden that causes emotional instability and to put it bluntly, makes one ugly and repulsive to others. It carries over into every area of life, damaging all relationships.
Spiritually, this negativity can estrange you from the inner peace and harmony that many seek. Spite and malice stunt spiritual growth, leaving you feeling isolated from the serenity that accompanies compassion and forgiveness.
In terms of physical health, the stress that accompanies harboring negativity can manifest in various ways, from sleepless nights to a compromised immune system, leading to further health problems including but not limited to cancer.
It requires more energy to nurture spitefulness than to release it and embrace happiness. Happiness is a light and effortless state, akin to a gentle breeze that lifts you up, while negativity serves as a heavy anchor, dragging you down.
Opting to shed this emotional burden and select a path of positivity and kindness can usher in transformative change, benefiting not only those around you but also yourself. This choice represents a conscious decision to liberate yourself from the shackles of bitterness and fully savor the beauty of life.
Ugly people do ugly things.
The phrase “ugly is as ugly does” means that a person’s actions and behavior ultimately define their true beauty or ugliness, rather than their physical appearance. It emphasizes the importance of inner qualities, character, and how a person treats others as the most significant factors in determining their true beauty or lack thereof. In essence, it suggests that a person’s actions can make them ugly or beautiful, regardless of their outward appearance.
Remember: Misery loves company.
Why are some people vindictive and malicious?
1. Hurt and resentment:
People who have been hurt, betrayed, or mistreated may develop a desire for revenge as a way to cope with their pain. Vindictiveness can stem from a desire to “even the score” or seek justice in their eyes.
2. Insecurity & Jealousy:
Some individuals may feel threatened by others’ success, happiness, or self-confidence. Insecurity can lead to spiteful behavior as they attempt to bring others down to their level to feel better about themselves.
In highly competitive environments, the pressure to succeed can lead some individuals to engage in spiteful behavior to eliminate rivals or gain a competitive advantage.
4. Low self-esteem:
People with low self-esteem may use spite as a way to assert power or control over others, attempting to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy.
5. Lack of empathy:
A deficit of empathy can make it easier for individuals to engage in spiteful behavior because they may not fully grasp the emotional impact of their actions on others.
6. Misguided beliefs:
In some cases, misguided beliefs, prejudices, or ideologies can fuel spiteful behavior. People may feel justified in their actions due to their beliefs, even if those beliefs are harmful or irrational.
7. Social and cultural influences:
The culture and society in which individuals are raised can have a significant impact on their behavior. Social norms and peer pressure may encourage or condone spiteful actions in certain contexts.
8. Personal history:
Past experiences and traumas can influence a person’s behavior. Individuals who have experienced harm or abuse may be more likely to engage in spiteful behavior as a way of projecting their own pain onto others.
It’s important to note that while these factors can contribute to vindictiveness and spite, they do not excuse or justify such behavior. Developing emotional intelligence, empathy, and healthier coping mechanisms can help individuals break free from destructive patterns and create more positive interactions with others.
How to respond to such toxicity.
I will break this down into two parts: Internal responses and external responses.
Let’s start with our internal responses first…
Proverbs is one of my favorite books in the Bible, commonly known as ‘The Book of Wisdom”. A “Proverbs woman” typically refers to a woman who embodies the characteristics and virtues described in the book of Proverbs, particularly in Chapter 31 verses 10-31. This passage is often referred to as the “Proverbs 31 Woman” and offers a detailed description of the qualities and virtues of an exemplary woman.
Internally, we must have a high-value mindset and set of rules we live by that develop our character. The key characteristics of a Proverbs woman include:
She is often described as a virtuous and noble woman, demonstrating moral excellence and integrity in her actions and choices.
A Proverbs woman is known for her industriousness work ethic. She is diligent and productive in her daily tasks.
She is resourceful and wise, using her skills and talents to contribute to her family and community.
The Proverbs woman is known for her kindness and willingness to help those in need.
5. Strong and confident:
She is depicted as strong and confident, able to face challenges with resilience and grace.
She exercises good judgment and wisdom in her decisions, both in her personal life and in managing her household.
She prioritizes the well-being of her family, providing for their needs and creating a nurturing home environment.
8. Fear of the Lord:
A Proverbs woman is often described as having a deep reverence and faith in God, and her actions are guided by her spiritual beliefs.
It’s important to note that the description in Proverbs 31 is a literary depiction and not a strict template for how all women should be. It serves as a source of inspiration and guidance for many, reflecting values that emphasize character, hard work, and a strong sense of ethics.
However, the qualities of a Proverbs woman are not limited to any specific gender and can be admired and emulated by people of all backgrounds and beliefs.
When we work on the internal parts, (within our control) our external responses (within our control) become easier to manage when external factors (outside our control) play a role in our struggles.
Dealing with difficult and spiteful people can be challenging, but it’s essential to handle such situations with patience and emotional intelligence. Here are some strategies to help you manage interactions with difficult individuals:
1. Stay Calm:
Maintain your composure and avoid reacting emotionally to their provocations. A calm response can help defuse tension and maintain your own emotional well-being.
2. Set Boundaries:
Establish clear boundaries for what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. Communicate these boundaries assertively but not aggressively.
3. Avoid Escalation:
Refrain from engaging in arguments or confrontations that can escalate the situation. Keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand, not personal attacks.
Try to understand their perspective and motivations. Sometimes, spiteful behavior is a result of personal struggles or pain.
5. Limit Contact:
If possible, minimize interactions with the difficult person. This may include avoiding unnecessary communication or reducing or eliminating time spent with them.
6. Document Incidents:
Keep a record of any harmful or spiteful behavior, especially if it crosses the line into harassment. This documentation can be helpful if you need to involve authorities or supervisors.
7. Seek Support:
Talk to friends, family, or a therapist to gain perspective and emotional support. Discussing the situation with someone you trust can help you process your feelings and develop coping strategies.
8. Use “I” Statements:
When addressing issues with the person, use “I” statements to express how their behavior affects you or makes you feel. For example, “I feel hurt when you say things like that.” Using the word “you” can cause others to become defensive and can escalate the negativity.
9. Disengage When Necessary:
If the situation becomes unmanageable or potentially harmful, consider disengaging entirely or seeking legal or professional help.
10. Focus on Self-Care:
Prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional and physical well-being. Exercise, meditation, and relaxation techniques, and developing skills to cope can help you stay resilient in the face of difficult individuals.
11. Practice Forgiveness:
While challenging, forgiveness can help release the emotional hold that spiteful people may have on you. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not necessarily for the other person.
12. Seek Mediation:
If the relationship is important or necessary, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor, to help facilitate communication and conflict resolution.
As we navigate the challenging terrain of interactions with individuals who have caused us pain, it is essential to remember that our strength lies not in seeking revenge or perpetuating the cycle of negativity, but in our capacity for empathy, resilience, and self-preservation.
By maintaining healthy boundaries and responding with grace and respect, we not only protect our own well-being but also send a powerful message that we refuse to be consumed by bitterness.
Just as an eagle soars above the fray, we, too, can rise above the pettiness and find solace in the pursuit of inner peace and happiness. Let us wish well for those who have hurt us, in the hope that they, too, may one day discover the transformative power of kindness and forgiveness.
Proverbs 6:16-19 (NIV)
There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.
I am Jen,
As a dedicated life coach specializing in co-parenting, divorce, and single motherhood, I bring a unique blend of professional expertise and personal experience to my coaching practice. I am deeply committed to helping women not only survive divorce but also thrive as they transition into their roles as single mothers. I provide tailored coaching to assist my clients in developing effective co-parenting strategies, fostering healthy communication, and creating nurturing environments for their children.
I am also the author of the best-selling book “I am Amazing: From Invisible to Invincible”. My self-help memoir offers hope and inspiration for anyone who has felt overwhelmed by life and their struggles with mental health. With raw honesty and vulnerability, I provide an intimate look at my journey from victim to victorious.